I Survived Pregnancy For This?

It was last November that I revealed to men the no-no’s of dealing with a pregnant wife in The Man’s Survival Guide to Pregnancy.  Now, one year later, I am back bearing warnings for the ladies. 

There are countless websites, pamphlets, dickhead relatives, and nosy strangers who tell you that “Things are going to change.”  Well, no kidding.  You are adding a family member who can’t take care of himself but who has the mysterious ability to turn any adult into a blundering, baby-babbling mess.  They tell you that you may as well throw out all of your shoes because they won’t fit anymore (this happened to me and I’m still bitter about it) and to “sleep while you can”.  Right.  Like you’ll really be able to say, “I can stay awake and take care of the baby for four days!  I got all of that extra sleep before she was born stored up and I can’t wait to use it!” 

Sore girly bits, hair in places where hair has no business being, fingernails that require industrial strength toenail clippers to trim: all of this is true, ladies.  If you think your self-esteem took a plummet while you were pregnant get ready for the crash and burn after the baby is born.  

See, before you become pregnant you have time to not only create but adhere to a beauty regimen.  You have manicures and pedicures!  You have clothes that actually make you look cute!

After the baby is born you must face a few harsh truths when it comes to your appearance and your ability to maintain it.

Suddenly life has become less about looking your best and more about playing catch up and things that are user-friendly.  Silk and satin graciously step aside for cotton and polyester and the iron bows out entirely in favor of the “sniff test”.  You purse morphs from a cute little handbag into something that requires three separate measurements at the airport to ensure that it doesn’t break carry-on regulations.

And the one that surprised me the most (okay, maybe not the most.  That extra hair thing is still creeping me out) is that the emotional wuss you became when your hormones went crazy during the first trimester NEVER FULLY GOES AWAY!!  I mean, really, I have a long list of exes (not that long of a list.  I’m not a slut or anything) who, at some point in our relationship, complained that I was cold-hearted and hard to reach emotionally.  At least a third of my dvd collection is horror movies. 

But since having my son?  Oh, no.  The stupidest things get me choked up.  I see a smashed happy meal toy in the street and I’m all “oooohh!  What kind of person could just abandon you!?”  Yeah.  It’s that bad.

Having kids is absolutely worth it.  My son is the big cheese and he knows it.  Every once in awhile I get dressed up and go out for an evening with the girls or a date with my husband but it’s never the same.  For one thing I can’t just turn my phone off when I don’t want to be bothered anymore.  And I can’t just enjoy myself without a million thoughts running through my head.  Things like:

“I’d better leave in an hour.  I know I’ll have to get up at six regardless.”
“I should call home and check in…again.”
“What’s jiggling?”

For a new mom out on the town that last question is one you never want to know the answer to.

1 comment

  1. Hilarious as usual! Almost wish I was a mom so I could truly appreciate it. Almoossssttt....