The Man's Survival Guide to Pregnancy

Okay guys, this one is for you.  Whether your wife or girlfriend is currently pregnant or not this is a situation that any of you can find yourselves in at any time. 

At the start of pregnancy most women are hit with the plague of morning sickness.  Picture in your head the worst hangover you’ve ever had.  The headache, the nausea, the dizziness.  Now add to that being unable to either take an ibuprofen to attempt to knock it out or even the ability to start drinking again to chase it away.  Include as well the knowledge that no matter what you do it’s not going to go away simply by “sleeping it off”.  You are stuck with it for a few weeks at the minimum and nine months if you are really unlucky.  Top that off with feeling more tired than you ever have in your life and you’ve got a miserable human being.  It’s no wonder your girl lies down at every opportunity.

 The key to surviving this aspect of pregnancy is not to let your mouth get you in trouble.  If she asks you for something then do what you can to oblige but no amount of “walk it off” or “you’ll feel better if…” is going to make it go away.

Another bonehead move that many men make is forgetting to be sensitive to your wife or girlfriend’s feelings.  Her body has been taken over by not only the baby but everything that goes along with it.  And that includes stretch marks, swelling, weight gain, pimples, and unwanted body hair.  None of these things help a woman’s self esteem.  So why would you rub it in by checking out other women in her presence?  Bad!  Bad husband!

Along the same lines, your wife/girlfriend is very much aware of what is happening to her body.  She knows that those cute size eights in the closet aren’t going to fit her again any time soon, if ever.  Don’t rub it in.

Never, never comment on how quickly your food stores are depleted.  She can’t control her appetite and calling attention to it is sure to piss her off.  Just don’t do it.  Trust me on this one.

And finally, don’t assume that you know better than her doctors.  Just because your aunt Carol had a three hour labor doesn’t mean that your wife will.  Just because your secretary ran five miles a day until she went into labor doesn’t mean your wife can.  She doesn’t care if your mom made it through labor without an epidural and she doesn’t need to hear how great these women are for accomplishing these things.

These few words of wisdom definitely will not ensure a stress-free environment but not heeding them will guarantee a war-zone in which having your head mounted on a pike in the front yard as a warning to others is the ultimate prize.

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